Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Feb 2019 | John Semmens
Efforts by the United States to send food to starving Venezuelans were blocked by order of President Nicolas Maduro. “Our policies have enabled our citizens to lose an average of more than 40 lbs. each over the past two years,” he boasted. “We have achieved objectives that the morbidly obese Americans envy and resent.”
“The key is to remove the opportunity to eat,” Maduro explained. “The ’empty stores’ initiative we implemented largely accomplished this goal. It has also had the salutary added benefit of getting our people to eat garbage and keep almost all of the country’s edible waste from going to waste. This has made us more efficient and has helped clean up our environment.”
Opposition leader Juan Guaidó denounced Maduro’s refusal to let the food aid through, saying that “hundreds of thousands are on the verge to starving to death without it. We had hoped that the Army would side with the people and disobey his orders to blockade the food aid, but they have so far sided with Maduro because he lets them murder whoever they want.”
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