If you’re stressed out about this whole Russian nonsense, relax – Donald Trump didn't do anything wrong, and he's not going be impeached, arrested, or ritually disemboweled. When the truth comes out and it explodes in the Democrats’ soft, girlish hands, we’ll all be laughing and toasting their humiliation with Stoli shots.
How do I know this with utter certainty? Because it's all so glaringly obvious, and it’s the only scenario that fits the facts. As Hugh Hewitt says, this scandal has three silos. The first silo is the question of whether the Russians somehow “hacked our election.” The second silo is whether any Trump people “colluded” with the Russians. The third silo, the one patriots care most about since it’s the one that isn’t a ridiculous fantasy, is whether anyone in Obama's administration used our intelligence apparatus to spy on his and Hillary’s political opponents. The answers are “No,” “No,” and “Yes.” The end results are going to be a stronger Trump, weaker Democrats, and various Obama minions exploring new career opportunities in the exciting fields of license plate-making, large-to-small rock transformation, and artisanal pruno distilling.
Russians didn’t hack the election. Liberals use the word “hacked” because they can claim they only mean “influenced” while implying to stupid people inclined to believe their conspiracy theories that the Russians broke into computers and changed votes from Hillary to Donald. Of course, they forgot to also change the Senate votes to the Dems, but whatev.
“Well, I was exploring the shocking real reason CHiPS went off the air, which was going to stun me, when I saw a story on OMGLinks that Hillary Clinton had an alien baby. Why, then I knew I had to vote for Donald Trump because I hate aliens. We got to build us a wall around space and make them Space Mexicans pay for it!”
“I was using my portable computer machine to internet, and I was about to have my jaw dropped by what Joyce Dewitt of Three’s Company looks like today, when I saw the link to proof that Hillary and Bill Clinton are gun-grabbing devil worshipers. So I had to vote for Trump, because I cling to my guns and my religion and my other guns.”
Their alternate version of You Stole My Morons! is that the release of the damning facts contained in John Podesta and Felonia von Pantsuit’s emails made people think she was terrible. People thought that because those emails showed, beyond any doubt, that she is terrible, and that her Democrat Party is less a political organization than a disorganized crime ring. Remember that when the media gets angry about the emails, the reason is that you got accurate information about the media’s partisan pals that the media wanted hidden from you. Democracy dies in darkness all right; the media is trying to strangle it in an unlit alley.
Regardless, it’s safe to say that there was absolutely no collusion of any kind between Team Trump and anyone Russian. None. How do I know this to a near certainty? Because we haven't seen anybody leak any evidence of any in the six-plus months that they've been pushing this nonsense.
But…but…but Ivan Ivanosky’s airplane was in Utah once and Utah has the Great Salt Lake and Trump put salt on his taco and ALL THE PIECES FIT!
You think the geniuses leading our intelligence community – not the brave and dedicated folks in the trenches but the clowns and political suck-ups lording over them – could have or would have kept real collusion secret? Do you think if Trump was cavorting with the former commies we wouldn’t have heard about it from the NYT, the WaPo and the rest of the Democrat steno pool about a week before November 8th?
And that brings us to the third silo, because the Democrat heads of our intelligence community desperately wanted to leak anything that might remotely embarrass Trump. In fact, my money has always been on the person who leaked the classified Flynn info being a name we’ll all recognize, a suspicion Fox’s Adam Housley’s reporting backs up. Hell yes, Donald Trump was "wiretapped.” So were you, by the way. And me. From open source information shared by defectors the intelligence community was too incompetent to keep from defecting, we know that every single electronic communication we send is collected in the NSA mainframes. Every single one. And the NSA has algorithms they can use to search it. You don’t go plant a bug in Trump Tower. You wiretap the opposition party’s nominee for president by running a search through the communications that the government “incidentally” collected. And if you find something juicy, then you call up your buddy at the Post and hand it over.
The only crime we know about for sure – the only one – is that some senior member of Obama’s intelligence community committed a felony by leaking classified information regarding Mike Flynn's intercepted communications. That's it. And that’s why the Democrats would rather talk about anything else. Understand that everything the Democrats say is a lie. Every single word, plus the punctuation. They’re dumb, but they're not so stupid as not to realize that this Putin nonsense, manufactured as a pathetic excuse for their utter humiliation in November, is falling apart. With the help of their media minions, they hope if they keep shouting “Look, Russians!” we’ll grow so bored we’ll just tune out. It’s their only hope for keeping Obama’s buddies off the chopping block. They all thought Hillary was going to win and that there would be no accountability, so they were safe using the government systems they had been entrusted to manage to spy on their incoming boss’s political opponents. Oops.
Look, I have friends who think differently, and I’ve carefully considered their views because some are serious people. They really believe that there is something out there. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was Russian-inspired clickbait stories on Facebook that magically converted hundreds of thousands of dedicated “I’m with her” Hillary fans in the Rust Belt into #MAGA hat-wearing Trumpmaniacs. Maybe liberal Washington D.C. establishment types had the honor and patriotism required to keep a juicy tidbit like Trump playing footsie with the Russians under wraps for better than half a year. And maybe Lena Dunham will get put on the cover of the next Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.
Yeah, no. I'm not wrong. This is all going to blow up in the Democrats’ faces, and when it does I'm going to laugh and raise my vodka glass in a joyous toast to their latest and greatest failure. ?? ????????!