Obama Says "Economy Is Pretty Darned Great"

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 Mar 2016 | John Semmens 

President Obama hailed the February jobs report as evidence that "the economy is pretty darn great." The report estimated that more than 240,000 new jobs were created. Of those jobs, nearly 80% were minimum-wage.
While some critics were disappointed that such a large percentage of the jobs were at the lower end of the pay scale, the President was more upbeat. "This is precisely the sector we wanted to expand," Obama said. "The greater the number of people working for minimum wage, the greater will be the pressure on Congress to raise the minimum wage."
The President's gloating didn't stop there, though. He also tabbed the increasing ranks of low-wage workers as "a big plus for the Democratic Party. Aside from those subsisting on welfare, low-wage workers are the most reliably Democratic voters. The greater the proportion of our population that occupies these cohorts of our society, the more entrenched progressive politics and policies will become."
In related news, the President praised Obamacare as "my gift to an ailing nation" at a rally in Milwaukee this week. "Thanks to me, more people are insured than ever." Wisconsin Sen. Ron Johnson contested Obama's claims saying that "millions of Americans were thrown off health plans that they liked and forced into Obamacare plans that simultaneously raised premiums and reduced coverage. The President's 'gift' could be more aptly characterized as a punch to the gut funded by a raid on Americans' bank accounts."