President Cancels Fireworks for Troops

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 July 2013 | John Semmens

Citing budget constraints, the Commander-in-Chief ordered the cancellation of July 4th fireworks displays at a number of military bases. The juxtaposition of the relatively minor savings achieved with the extraordinarily costly Presidential family vacation tour of Africa currently underway has raised some hackles.
Press Secretary Jay Carney expressed some sympathy for the disappointed service men and women, but defended the Administration's choice to spend $100 million on the African trip. “Granted, the trip may be a thousand times more expensive than what would've been spent on the canceled fireworks, but the benefits are more than a thousand times as great,” Carney contended.
“I'd venture to say that every one of the military personnel affected has seen fireworks shows more than once in their lives,” Carney guessed. “Compare this to the millions of Africans who have never had the opportunity to see President Obama. The President's trip is giving these millions of Africans a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to glimpse the greatest man of their era live and in person.”
“We are confident that the American people will weigh the minimal sacrifice imposed on some of our troops against the enormous benefits the President is bestowing on these otherwise deprived and impoverished Africans and agree that he made the correct decision,” Carney concluded.
In related news, US troops stationed in Afghanistan celebrated July 4th by holding a “Gay Pride” parade. An incensed Afghan Government protested the “flaunting of depraved and forbidden sexual behaviors in our faces” and demanded “the payment of $10 billion in compensation.”