As
we progress into 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails
over
the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of
recovery.
I can
no longer open a bathroom door without
using a paper towel,
nor let
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.
I
can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I
can only imagine
what has
happened on it since it was last washed.
I have
trouble shaking hands with
someone who has been driving
because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating
a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can
only
imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I
can't touch any woman's handbag for fear
she has placed it on
the floor
of a public toilet.
I must
send my special thanks for the
email about rat poo
in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every
envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO,
now I have
to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I
can't have a drink in a bar because I
fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of
ice with my kidneys gone.
I
can't eat at KFC because
their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks
with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I
can't use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a
water
buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks
to you I have
learned that my prayers only get answered
if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Because
of your concern , I no
longer drink Coca Cola because
it can
remove toilet stains.
I no
longer buy fuel
without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no
longer use Cling Wrap in the
microwave because it causes
seven
different types of cancer.
And
thanks for letting me know I can't
boil a cup of water
in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
me for
life.
I no
longer go to the cinema because I
could be pricked with a
needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no
longer go to shopping centers because
someone will drug
me with a
perfume sample and rob me..
And I no longer answer the phone because
someone will ask
me to dial
a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica ,
Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
Thanks
to you I can't
use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black
snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when
it bites my butt.
And
thanks to your great advice I can't
ever pick up a
dime coin
dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
there by a
sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I
can't do any gardening because
I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you
don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your
head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from
120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a
hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor s
ex
mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!
Oh,
and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy
study,
has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their
e-mails with their hand on the mouse
Don't bother taking it off now, it's
too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told
by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..
NOW
YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY
DIOGENES invites you to pull up a chair on this fine day and read posts from around the world. The writing may lean to the right...but that's the way Diogenes wants it! You may leave your opinion, but Diogenes rarely changes his! WELCOME!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
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