Monday, September 25, 2017

Funny Facts


National Geographic was unable to avoid the cultural attack against white privilege launched by Black Lives Matter Friday. Nat Geo filmed two very rare White Giraffes surveying a meadow together in Kenya. ESPN host Jemele Hill accused them of holding their heads up a little TOO high.

Fox News showed video footage of black teenagers looting a sportswear store in Naples during the hurricane and reported it. We are definitely two nations. CNN showed the same footage and reported that brave volunteers were rescuing stranded apparel from being ruined by Hurricane Irma.

North Korea fired yet another missile into the Pacific Ocean Friday that flew directly over the Japanese island of Hokkaido. Warning sirens went off at six in the morning warning everybody to take cover. Who needs an alarm clock in Japan when North Korea gives you a wake-up call every day.

Mexican Independence Day was celebrated on both sides of the border on Saturday. It's a rich country. In addition to the silver and gold they mine, the oil they drill, the corn they grow, the tequila they distill and all the beer they brew, Mexico's also the world's number-one producer of Californians.

Harvard withdrew a fellowship to Chelsea Manning due to public anger over the trans-gender icon being a convicted traitor. It's a touchy group. Last night in West Hollywood, I was asked to leave a party hosted by trans-genders because I didn't know that you leave the toilet seat in the middle.

The Weather Channel enjoyed huge TV ratings due to the catastrophes which hit Florida and Texas, and Saturday they finally had good news. Hurricane Jose won't make landfall on the East Coast this week. Instead, Jose is heading around the horn to California now that it's a sanctuary state.

London was hit by its fifth terrorist attack of the year when an improvised explosive detonated in a subway. ISIS took credit for the bomb. If the number of terrorist attacks by the Islamic State continues at the current rate, candlelight vigils will soon be the number-one cause of global warming.

The TSA said they will begin giving passengers enhanced pat-downs. They're desperate. It has been sixteen years, a million flights and a billion passengers and they still can't find a black person, a Hispanic person, an Asian person or a white person who is willing to blow up their own airline flight.

President Trump spoke to the United Nations General Assembly in New York on Tuesday. He began his speech by saluting the U.N. for its tireless work in maintaining world peace over the last seventy years. It's always smart to start your speech with a good joke to get the crowd on your side.

Stephen Colbert orchestrated a three-hour roast of President Trump at the Emmy Awards on CBS Sunday. The entertainment industry crowd laughed and cheered every insult he delivered against Trump. I've done what Stephen Colbert does onstage, I taught cheerleading clinics in college.

ESPN commentator and Sports Center host Jamele Hill yielded to pressure and she tweeted an apology for calling President Trump a white supremacist. She said it was wrong for her to inject her personal feelings into her role as an ESPN host. Nevertheless, CNN is suing ESPN for plagiarism.

Nancy Pelosi was shouted off the press conference stage in San Francisco by undocumented Dreamers Monday who demand a stand-alone bill legalizing them, not part of a bill that also builds the wall. You can understand why. They want a way out the moment North Korea can reach Oregon.

The Weather Channel reported Monday that Hurricane Maria is about to arrive at Category Five strength in the wake of Hurricane Harvey, Hurricane Irma and Hurricane Jose. Enough hurricanes already. So many businesses on the coasts are boarded up, it's like Obama never left office.

Hobby Lobby angered minorities by selling cotton on branches as a decorative home bouquet Monday. To prevent any more controversy, the store won't display its annual Halloween tableau of a witch crashing her broom into a tree. They don't want to offend Hillary Clinton voters or Asians.

President Trump was applauded by conservatives for his speech to the United Nations General Assembly on Tuesday in which he spelled out the Trump Doctrine foreign policy to North Korea and to Iran. It's an idea he got from the hurricane season. The Trump Doctrine states, evacuate or die.

Sen. Lindsey Graham pushed a health care bill to repeal Obamacare and send the money back to the states over Democratic howls. A compromise could satisfy both sides. If Democrats agree to leave Lee's name on the statues, Republicans will agree to leave Obama's name on the health care system.

The Emmy Awards show hosted by Stephen Colbert drew the lowest ratings in history Sunday for CBS. There's new evidence as to why. The birth rate among conservatives is reportedly way up, probably due to the extra hour in bed from refusing to watch late-night hosts whine about Trump.

The Toronto Film Festival premiered a movie about Chappaquiddick when Ted Kennedy ran his car off a bridge and killed Mary Jo Kopechne. In true Hollywood fashion, the film doesn't blame the tragedy on Teddy's drinking. They blame it on ice on the bridge caused by climate change.

The New York Post reports federal prosecutors are asking for twenty-seven months in federal prison for disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner. Democrats have disowned him. Bill Clinton and Jack Kennedy took their sexual conduct seriously, but Anthony Weiner just phoned it in.

The United Nations released a report Wednesday revealing that there are countries in which forty million people are enslaved around the world. The leaders of these slave countries have learned one thing this year. They may never pay for this sin but their statues are going to be mighty sorry someday.

-- Argus Hamilton

Yesterday, Trump posted a tweet where he referred to Kim Jong Un as "Rocket Man." Which beats the other nickname he gave him, Lil' Kim.

-- Jimmy Fallon

This afternoon, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un lashed out at President Trump, calling him "mentally deranged" and "a frightened dog." As a result, Kim Jong Un is now the Democrats' top pick for president in 2020.

-- Conan

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