President Blames Poor Poll Numbers on Slander!

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2014 | John Semmens
President Barack Obama told a gathering of millionaire donors to the Democratic Party that polls showing dire prospects for the November elections “have nothing to do with my policies and everything to do with the poisonous racism and anti-government animus of the GOP.” The President acknowledged that “part of the problem lies in the fragmented format of our elections. I won't be on the ballot this November. Voters will be asked to sift through a confusing roster of unfamiliar candidates and issues. We need to transform the process and make it simpler. In the meantime, if we can boil the election down to a basic 'yes' or 'no' choice for voters we may be able to navigate through these tough times. So, even though voters can't vote for me, we can remind them that a vote for any Democrat is, in fact, a vote for my policies.” Whether a basic “yes or no” messaging strategy would work in a “poisonous” environment is unknown. “As Senator Schumer has pointed out, there are far too many ways for the holders of disreputable opinions to get their scurrilous slanders out,” Obama lamented. “His proposed Amendment has merit, but could only have an impact in the longer run if we could get enough states to ratify it. In the more immediate run up to this November's balloting the best I can do is remind those who oppose us that the NSA and IRS are still under my authority. I will not hesitate to exploit their full potential for curbing unwanted criticisms of my policies.” In related news, it has been discovered that 10% of the taxpayers who just happen to have their names appear on lists of donors to Tea Party political causes were audited by the IRS. Statistically, an average taxpayer's chance of being audited is around 1%.