In Case You Missed It Department

Baltimore joined the list of U.S. cities to declare itself a sanctuary city that will give safe shelter to illegal aliens from federal immigration officers. New York just joined the list and banned ICE agents from schools. Los Angeles is a sanctuary city for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

The Kremlin denied colluding with Trump last year despite fits by Democrats blaming Russia for losing. Trump has Democrats hating Russia again, so we're a third of the way home. Now if he can just get them to stand for free trade and school segregation, they'll be, by God, Democrats again. 

Britain's Parliament held an inspirational session following the terrorist attack on the bridge outside Wednesday. London's Mayor Khan tried to calm public anger by saying that his Muslim brother did not cause havoc in the name of Allah. No, his flip-flop got caught under the accelerator. 

Home Improvement star Tim Allen charged that Hollywood is completely intolerant of views that are conservative and not liberal and progressive. There's certainly no blacklist. Actors who support President Trump have a standing offer to play the villain in pepper spray commercials. 

The Heartland Institute International Conference on Climate Change was held in Washington last week, consisting of scientists who think all the mania over climate change is unfounded. There's just one thing we can all agree on. Climate change is the number-one cause of documentaries. 

President Trump dodged a bullet Friday when the GOP health care bill couldn't draw enough GOP votes to pass it. Then, House Democrats celebrated the survival of Obamacare, which has cost Democrats the House, the Senate and the White House. It's like a Polish joke that writes itself. 

Northwestern now has a class on the shame of white privilege in America. It's hilarious. They teach that America is a racist, sexist, inhumane country that poisons its water, jails its minorities and exploits its poor, and that it's wrong to stop illegal immigrants from coming here to enjoy its blessings. 

North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un threatened to incinerate the United States Friday during U.S. naval exercises off the Korean coast. His CIA profile revealed that when he was a teenager he wanted to be a famous actor. He could still make it in Hollywood but he doesn't hate America enough. 

President Trump ripped the GOP for tanking GOP health care, okayed Keystone then he killed an ISIS chief with a drone and took bids on the wall Monday. He never rests. To relax, he likes to pick up the office phone and order a Black Russian to see if he can catch Obama laughing on the line. 

The Washington Post reported that hundreds of Muslim women in London linked arms at the Westminster Bridge on Sunday to show their solidarity against religious extremism. Now we're talking. If anything's going to change ISIS, Al-Qaeda and the Taliban, it's the opinion of their women. 

London Muslim women locked arms in solidarity Sunday to protest Islamic extremism under which some of them must live worldwide. They get no respect. If there's one advantage to being in the Taliban it's that you can divorce and remarry without having to change the photo on your desk. 

Democratic National Party Chairman Tom Perez took over the party this week with a mission to overhaul the party's direction and energy and give it new life. This guy's not kidding around. On Tuesday Tom Perez ordered all DNC staffers to resign, causing four network newscasts to go dark. 

President Trump decided not to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals home opener Monday in Washington, D.C. That's probably not in his best interest. However, before the game, the president will take a fungo bat and hit long fly balls to the outfielders to find out how high the wall needs to be. 

Russia's government lodged a protest with the Trump administration charging that President Trump was provoking hostilities by sending U.S. warships into the Black Sea Tuesday. U.S.-Russia tensions heated up quickly. Democrats charged President Trump with violating his oath of collusion. 

White House advisor Steve Bannon was spotted on Capitol Hill working with GOP factions to create a health care bill than can pass. Last week's health care bill was unpopular with insurers, conservatives, seniors, doctors and poor people. Polls said it was the most unpopular bill since Cosby. 

Congress launched a new attempt to repeal Obamacare Tuesday after repealing it nine times under Obama and failing to end it two weeks ago. If it's killed one more time, it gets its own series on the Sci Fi Channel. Obamacare has been killed more times than Jason on Friday the Thirteenth. 

The White House sparked debate by assigning Jared Kushner to make the U.S. government run like a business. The debate goes back to 1793, when Hamilton argued for a government run like a business while Jefferson wanted a government run like a plantation. It's the same argument as today. 

The White House is reviewing its security procedures for whenever President Trump is in the the Executive Mansion or the West Wing. Last week, the Secret Service caught the same woman scaling the White House fence for a second time in a week. Hillary has got to stop watching MSNBC. 

President Trump declined to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals opener on Monday. He's a keen student of the game. Trump went to a spring training game in Florida last week and every time the outfielders leaped over the wall to catch a fly ball, he ordered the wall raised another two feet. 

The Senate Intelligence Committee will probe Democratic charges that Russia colluded with the Trump campaign and Republican charges that President Obama wiretapped Trump. Last night, Trump said he watched Yakov Smirnov's PBS special. Democrats are convinced they've got him now. 

National Geographic says India faces a violent crisis over water shortages Monday. The Third World is never dull. An Indonesian man was just found dead swallowed inside a giant python, prompting President Trump to repeat his refusal to attend the White House Correspondents' Dinner. 

-- Argus Hamilton

Hillary Clinton is back in the news. She gave a big speech in San Francisco last night and encouraged her supporters to, "Resist, insist, persist and enlist." And she pointed to herself and said, "Still pissed." 

The White House says President Trump will not throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game. Apparently Trump was afraid of hurting his tweeting arm. 

-- Jimmy Fallon

Ford announced today it will create 130 new jobs in Michigan. "Is one of them president?" asked Hillary. 

President Trump will meet with the president of China next week to discuss Trump's claims about China's unfair trade practices. Which means we're about two weeks away from having to call these [fortune cookies] "freedom cookies." 

-- Seth Meyers

Now, we don't know the scope of the story yet. But it is not coming from Rachel Maddow so it could be important and real. 

-- James Corden