In Case You Missed It Dept.

Speaker Paul Ryan adjourned Congress for its two-week Independence Day holiday Thursday after a Democratic sit-in over gun legislation halted all House business for a seventeen hours. It's just amazing. Leave it to Congress to find the solution to a work stoppage by taking a two-week break. 

Donald Trump drew praise from Republican leaders for sticking to the script in a well-written speech ripping Hillary Clinton on Wednesday. It's his new sobriety. In order to stay on message, Trump's agreed to go to Ad Lib Anonymous Meetings, sticking to the Teleprompter one day at a time. 

The Supreme Court ruled against President Obama Thursday with a tie vote that means his executive order shielding illegal immigrants from deportation can't go forward. Illegal aliens told CNN that they're determined to remain in America and live free. Now all they have to do is qualify for disability. 

Attorney General Loretta Lynch said Wednesday our number-one weapon against terrorism is compassion, unity and love. It's so true. That afternoon, President Obama fired eighteen drones of compassion, dropped ten tons of unity, and deployed a dozen helicopters filled with love on Fallujah. 

President Obama stood before reporters in Canada Wednesday with Canada's premier Justin Trudeau and Mexico's president Nina Piete. On the day after the Turkey terrorist attacks, they addressed global warming. Every time ISIS blows a hole in the troposphere, Obama calls a summit. 

CIA Director John Brennan warned that ISIS is using Syrian refugees streaming into the U.S. as a cover to stage attacks in the U.S. It's alarming. Intelligence officials say there are ways to tell if your neighbors are terrorists, for instance, if they approve of President Obama's anti-terror strategy. 

Senator Elizabeth Warren while onstage with Hillary Monday called Donald Trump unstable, shallow and narcissistic, substance-free and ego-maniacal. Her time is certainly arriving. Shark Week is the only time of the year when Elizabeth Warren gets to charge extra for public appearances. 

Hillary Clinton told a Hollywood town hall Tuesday she gets the alienation voters feel toward Washington D.C. and Wall Street. She's wooing angry, poor whites. Hillary overdid it a little when she picked up a clump of dirt and vowed that with GOD as her witness, she will never be hungry again. 

A Harvard University study released Friday shows that public Fourth of July celebrations tend to turn school kids into conservatives. Reaction was swift. Teachers were horrified to hear that it just takes some fireworks and a patriotic speech to undo one hundred-eighty days of public school education. 

Donald Trump on Thursday insisted that his low fund-raising totals are proof he's efficient by tying Hillary with only one-tenth the donations. He doesn't suffer from low self-esteem. Donald Trump is such a narcissist that he used to call up women at night and ask them what he was wearing. 

Hillary Clinton was hit by a new poll Friday in which voters most described her as crooked and voters most described Trump as obnoxious. Americans are clearly not happy with the choices. We may be this close to the KKK circulating a petition calling for Obama to run for a third term in office. 

-- Argus Hamilton

President Obama is apparently interested in owning an NBA team after he leaves office. You'll know it's Obama's team when they travel too much and never pass anything. 

-- Jimmy Fallon

Critics are calling those in Britain who voted to pull out of the European Union "racist" and "anti-immigrant." After hearing this, Donald Trump said, "Wow, I'm running for leader of the wrong country." 

Donald Trump appears to be softening some of his anti-immigration views lately. So it sounds to me like someone's shopping for a new wife. 

Today, Democrats said the committee investigating Hillary Clinton's involvement with Benghazi was a "witch hunt." Hillary tried to respond, but just then a house fell on her. 

In a speech yesterday, Donald Trump spoke in favor of waterboarding. Trump said, "It's how I got two of my three wives to say yes." 

Hillary Clinton unveiled her technology plan which would offer broadband internet access to all Americans. Then she quickly added, "Except for my husband." 

-- Conan

Thirty-eight percent for Trump, 13 percent for a meteor, which adds up to 51 percent of the people are OK with the world coming to an end. Two giant destructive orange balls. 

Now Trump might be getting a boost in the polls because sources say Trump is vetting Chris Christie as a potential running mate. Christie would definitely help Trump win voters in New Jersey, who are anxious to get rid of Chris Christie. 

-- Steven Colbert

A new Quinnipiac University poll has Trump and Clinton almost tied. This is the first tie for Donald Trump that wasn't manufactured in China. 

Donald Trump is upset today because so many of his former Republican rivals have not endorsed him. He says he feels like he is running against two parties because none of the guys have jumped in to lend their support. Which makes no sense at all. Donald Trump has been nothing but nice to them. 

-- Jimmy Kimmel