Sanders Says Making Everything Free Is Key to Efficient Government

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Feb 2016 | John Semmens 

In response to fears that his expansive plans for government will be prohibitively expensive, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) argued that "abolishing money will go a long way toward making government more efficient."
"If people would only stop to consider how time-consuming it is to have to keep track of the flow of money they'd understand the tremendous efficiencies that will be achieved once we do away with it," Sanders imagined. "For the individual, all the headaches entailed in managing money—having it on hand, balancing a checkbook, paying bills—will be eliminated. If you need something you'll just go to a store and pick it up or order it over the phone for delivery. The government will cover all the costs."
"For businesses, cashiers, accountants, and financiers will all be unnecessary, as will security," Sanders continued. "All any business will have to do is move the merchandise delivered to them by the government to locations where customers can pick out what they want. Since profits will also be abolished businesses won't have to file taxes or pay dividends to investors. Government will be the only investor and it's strictly non-profit."
"For government, the IRS will be disbanded, as will the Treasury," Sanders promised. "All resources will be allocated by skilled experts who determine how much of each item is required to meet society's needs. Wasteful expenditures on unneeded frills will be a thing of the past. Each and every person will get exactly what he needs, no more, no less. Instead of people going to work because they have to, they'll go to work because they want to contribute their fair share to the collective well-being of all."
One idea Sanders said he is mulling over is a "universal draft, not just for men, not just for young people, but for everyone. Right now our society suffers from poor allocation of human resources. A lot of people are stuck in jobs for which they are unsuited. If everyone were subject to a draft that would allow the government to ensure that each person is assigned to the tasks that would best serve society. No one would be unemployed. No one would be left in doubt about how he could best be used for the common good. All would be assigned a role on the national team that the head coach (me) and assistant coaches in my cabinet choose for them."
In related news, Wall Street and the Federal Reserve are looking to hasten the removal of cash from our economy. In a closed-door meeting the abolition of cash was urged as a method for strengthening the government's control over the economy. "Lack of faith in the economy has spurred a huge hoarding of cash," admitted one meeting participant. "That's blocking the implementation of the negative interest rates that experts agree are necessary to stimulate spending. If cash were eliminated everyone's bank account could be effectively 'taxed' by negative rates. This would induce people to spend their money before it loses value. A side benefit is that this would also ease pressure on banks and allow them to wiggle out of the bind that reckless lending has gotten them into."