Democratic Presidential Rivals Court Illegal Immigrant Vote

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Nov 2015 | John Semmens 

Democratic presidential aspirant Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) vowed to readmit illegal immigrants who were previously deported if he is elected president. "The notion that persons who have committed felonies in their country of origin cannot be allowed into the United States is unAmerican," Sanders asserted. "Many of those who came to America in the early years were individuals given the choice of emigration or execution. That same choice needs to be made available to those facing imprisonment or execution in their home countries today."
Sanders maintained his confidence that "only a minority of the readmitted felons are likely to repeat their crimes in our country. Our social safety net will ensure that their needs are met. They will not have to commit crimes to survive. For the tiny fraction who cannot be weaned from predatory criminal behavior our healthier and wealthier population can more readily abide and recover from the robberies, rapes, assaults and murders that may occur than their more destitute victims south of the border."
Not to be outdone, Sanders' main rival for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, promised to outlaw the phrase "illegal immigrant" if she becomes president. "While I have mistakenly used this phrase in the past myself, I now realize that it unfairly stigmatizes those whose fervent aspiration is to come to America," Clinton said. "But we need to go beyond the narrowly circumscribed 'felons' that Senator Sanders seeks to champion. Jihadis are an even more oppressed group. They aren't merely facing local law enforcement perils. They're being bombed are massacred by the Russians. They need to know that they can find refuge in the United States. I will provide this refuge if I am successful in next November's election."