Finally, Some Realistic 2015 Resolutions Anyone Can Stick To!

Kirchhoff's Law ^ | 12-31-2014 | Mary Kirchhoff 

Every year many of us do it. Make those same, predictable, boring resolutions. We keep making these same resolutions year after year...and don't stick with them, so I’ve come up with a more reasonable list of resolutions for 2015.

1. Eat more carbs. You’re going to anyway. Why suffer without bread, potatoes, and for God’s sake, even orange juice. We all like our carbs and you should be sure you include them in every meal. You’ve been eating them all along, and you probably don’t weigh 400 pounds, so who cares?
2.Forget exercising. You’ll waste your money joining a gym and go for about a month, if you make it that far. Or, you’ll have a new place to hang semi-clean clothes when you purchase that fancy piece of equipment that you’ll use for a few weeks. Save the money and the space in your house.
3. Do less housework. Why stress out about a clean toilet and neat bedroom? When you clean it up, it just gets messy again. Save the time and effort. Your friends will get used to your place – they don’t have to come over if they don’t like your housekeeping efforts. Besides, you may make it on an episode of Hoarders, and that’s a good thing. Reality TV is all the rage.
4. Avoid Laundry by buying new stuff. Instead of doing laundry, just wear the stuff a couple times and toss it. Goodwill will take it, and this satisfies that typical resolution of giving to the poor. By the time you pay for the hot water to do a cycle on warm, the electricity and the gas to heat the water, you’re infinitely better off just buying new stuff.
5.Stop being nice to people. I think we’ve all made a resolution at one time or another to be a better person; kinder, more patient, blah blah blah. But really, did it ever pay off? Probably not. Most likely you got used and walked all over, so just be a mean selfish asshole. You’ll be much better off.
6.Don’t bother saving money. Live for the here and now. After all, you could be dead tomorrow, and someone else, (probably a no good relative who will blow through your money,) will spend what you worked so hard to save.
7. Getting out of debt? Do you really want to cancel your cable, not go out to eat, not go on vacation, and generally just live a horrible existence? Because that’s what you’ll have to do to get out of debt, and you’ll have to live that way for years. So, whip out that credit card and don’t even think twice about it!
8.Forget about learning a new language. In another 10 years, when this is a Spanish speaking country, you’ll be forced to learn Spanish anyway. So just wait till then. You will no longer press 1 for English, because that option will be unavailable.
9.More charitable giving? No way. Why should you sacrifice to line the pockets of some CEO? See a homeless person in the street asking for money? Give them a toothbrush and a comb.
10. Forget couponing to save money. You’ll spend way too much time and effort on the computer trying to track down coupons for products you actually use. You won’t find the products you actually use, so you’ll print out a bunch of crap you may use. Then, said coupons will sit on your desk until they expire. What did you save? Nothing? What did you gain? Nothing. You lost money by using paper and ink. You lost a lot of time by sitting on the computer printing out coupons for a bunch of shit you’ll never use. And if you did print out a coupon for something you use, it will be on your desk and not in your purse when you purchase it. Very counterproductive.
11. Stay with the job you have. Unless you want to spend countless hours filling out online applications and two-hour long assessment tests that ask the same question nine different ways, just put up with your boss and your idiot coworkers. I’ve found it’s much easier to stick with a crappy job then spend myriad hours online filling out applications and assessments for jobs that don’t even exist.
12. Don’t quit smoking. You’ll be a mean, stressed out, anxious wreck of a human being attempting to do this. Enjoy your life. So, you might die of lung cancer? Chances are you won’t. But sadly, someone you know who never smoked will. You can walk out of your house and get run over by a truck tomorrow, so puff away.
13. Quit drinking or drink less? Puhhlease. It ain’t happening. No explanation necessary. 3 14. Finally, STOP making resolutions every year. If you follow these, you’ll be a happier, better and more productive person in the long run. Happy New Year!