GOP to Become Party of "Yes"

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Dec 2014 | John Semmens 

Incoming Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) brushed off complaints from his Party's conservative wing that his recent actions on the Cromnibus Bill served mainly to enable President Obama's illegal amnesty and fund all of his ill-conceived initiatives—including Obamacare—that Republicans had pledged to oppose if they won the November elections.
"Rather than get bogged down in fighting over every specific policy or program, we are going to rebrand the GOP as the Party of 'yes,'" McConnell said. "People don't like to hear the word 'no.' They prefer to get what they want. If we can communicate the message that Republicans are the ones who say 'yes' to what the people want we can solidify our Party's grip on the majority."
According to the new Majority Leader, "continuing to try to stave off amnesty or socialized medicine are lost causes. It is clear that regardless of what the law says, President Obama is going to allow immigrants to enter the country illegally. He is going to give them documents that will enable them to get jobs if they want them or to collect welfare if they don't. He is going to get them registered to vote and to the polls on election day. There is nothing we can do to stop this."
"But if we can persuade all these newcomers that the GOP can do a better job of giving them everything they want we will woo them over to our side and thwart the Democrats' plans for dominance," McConnell explained. "By saying yes to the trillion dollar continuing resolution even when we didn't have to, I think we earned crucial street cred with Latino voters. As we demonstrate to this cohort that we can give them everything that the President has promised we will eradicate any need for them to vote Democrat."