Sunday, May 27, 2012

President Says World Is Entering New ‘Golden Age’


Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 May 2012 | John Semmens



President Barack Obama told Air Force Academy graduates that “the world is entering a new ‘golden age’ thanks to me. I have bridged the differences that set America apart from what were our adversaries in an earlier era.”
The president cited his “reset button” policy for bringing the US and Russia closer together. “I have transformed Ronald Reagan’s ‘evil empire’ into a true partner for peace,” Obama boasted. “President Putin and I are on the same page when it comes to issues of war and peace. I can’t tell you all the details right now, but we are jointly working to fundamentally change the way our two nations interact.”
“We have also reached a new understanding with Islam,” he continued. “Their leaders have accepted the sacrifice of the renegade Osama bin-Laden as a necessary step if we are to mute anti-Islamic anxiety and achieve a more harmonious environment for cultural interchange, learning, and enlightenment. The day when every Muslim can freely practice his religion wherever he might find himself is closer than it has ever been.”
The president also tried to reassure Academy grads that “though we are cutting back on military expenditures, salaries and pensions won’t be on the chopping block. It is our weapons, not our young men and women in uniform that create fear throughout the world. As we reduce our dominance in weapons of mass destruction we will reduce the perceived threat we pose to the rest of the world. History will look back on this moment as the fountainhead of a new humanity—homo pacificus—that will usher in peace for all time.”
In related news, New York City’s PS368 has made learning Arabic mandatory. “Considering the way things are going, we deem it prudent to teach our students these critical language skills,” said Principal Nicky Kram Rosen. “Those who can’t communicate in the dominant language will be at a significant disadvantage. Look at how immigrants who don’t speak English end up at the bottom of the economic heap.”
if you missed any of this week's other semi-news posts you can find them at...
http://azconservative.org/2012/05/26/president-says-world-is-entering-new-golden-age/

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